


Get Lost and Then Get Found

by damnquads



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: AU, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Non-binary character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:19:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14088888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnquads/pseuds/damnquads
Summary: He looks at the three kings for the last time, ready to bid his goodbye, when he notices it. At first, he thinks it might be an unruly wave that doesn’t know which way to go, but then it appears again. Too big to be a fish, too solid to be a wave. Blue and green.You can only find yourself when you're lost.





	Get Lost and Then Get Found

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everybody. I am back. I know you are all waiting for a new chapter of Colours That Bleed but I really needed to write this first. For myself.  
> I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to Jody for being there for me when nobody else was. And another MASSIVE THANK YOU to theseventhmarch for asking all the right questions, but more importantly having all the right answers, and reading this at least 50 times, and basically being the best beta I could ask for. Thank you to anyone who's commented or left kudos under Colours, or messaged me on twitter or tumblr about it, or anything else. I love you and I am working on the next chapter. Don't worry. 
> 
> The title of this fic is from Coldplay's _Swallowed in the Sea_. I was listening to their X &Y album while writing this and there are lyrics from each song interwoven into this fic. I recommend listening to that album if you want to understand the characters better and get the overall feeling of the fic. It's just a suggestion though. 
> 
> Enjoy. <3

 

_There’s a tale about a creature living off the Pacific coast near Japan. It talks about a creature that would appear in the waters close to the city of Sendai or sit at the shore. A creature so beautiful that if someone were to look at it, they would be entranced by its beauty and lose their mind forever. There are those who say that they’ve seen the creature, something resembling a mermaid disappearing in the waves. Every day, someone would tell a story about how they saw a black tail with smudges of blue and green splashing in the waters. Some believe the tale, some do not. One thing is certain: nobody has seen the creature for months. It is believed the creature is lost._

***

_Is there anybody out there who is lost and hurt and lonely too?_

***

Shoma comes back home after another exhausting day spent attending classes. He throws his half-opened bag to the corner of his room and dives onto his bed. His brother isn’t home, yet, which means that he has some time to close his eyes and try to sleep.

He loves his brother, of course he does, but lately he’s been thinking that there’s too much of him everywhere.

Shoma and Itsuki are the type of siblings who will do everything together. They’ve never fought, never held grudges or yelled at each other (with the exception of tickle fights, of course). Shoma isn’t the typical older sibling, just as Itsuki isn’t the typical younger one. With the way they look after each other, it is often difficult to even guess who’s older.

But lately, Shoma’s been feeling like he needed a break from everything. It’s not only his brother. Uni has been weighing him down. His mother has been calling him daily, asking him for new updates, as if Shoma would have a new answer every single day. Then there are his closest friends that he used to love spending his time with — now they won’t stop asking him out even after being turned down way too many times to even keep count. And then there is Itsuki, who will come home soon. Shoma will have to play games with him and laugh at his jokes when all that he needs right now is to be left alone.

Shoma rubs his eyes and gets up. He goes to his bag and rummages through the things that have spilled around it. He finds a pen and tears a bit of paper from one of his journals. He leaves the note on Itsuki’s door, so his brother doesn’t have to worry. He pockets his keys and his wallet, leaving his phone on his nightstand.

 

_I’ve gone to the seaside._

\-         _S_

Shoma gets off the train and heads towards the ocean. The weather hasn’t been pleasant for the past few days, as if it was reflecting his own soul. The sky is constantly filled with big grey clouds that are threatening to burst any minute and rain down on everything. The wind’s been blowing harshly, prickling people’s faces. Shoma pulls his jacket closer to his chest, desperately searching for warmth.

The closer he gets to the ocean, the more the weather gets unkind. Almost as if it is trying to scare him away. Telling him that he should turn around and go back. But Shoma doesn’t. He closes his eyes and withstands the ruthless winds until he can finally see the narrow path that leads down the rocky hill to the shore.

The rocks on the hills surrounding the shore look more ominous now than they did when Shoma was a child. His grandfather took him to this shore for the first time many summers ago. Shoma couldn’t be more than five years old. He remembers picking pebbles, warm from the summer sun, and throwing them into the water. He remembers the grass and the few flowers blooming on top of the hill. His grandfather used to chase him on that hill, not just that summer but even the other times they would come here together.

“Don’t tell anyone about this place, okay?” his grandfather told him once. “It will be our secret.”

Shoma’s big eyes widened and he enthusiastically nodded his head; the idea of having a place only he knows about was exciting to any young boy.

He still hasn’t told anyone about the rocky hill, the pebbles that are now darker after being washed over by the salty water again and again, or the flowers that are nowhere to be seen and have been replaced by mud.

Shoma steps on the shore and looks around. There is nobody in sight. This is still his and his grandfather’s safe haven. A place where he can be alone.

Shoma takes a deep breath and lets his lungs be filled with the cold air and salt. He’s missed this.

The wind isn’t that strong down there, the hill above him shielding him from its blasts.

Shoma makes his way closer to the sea and touches the water with his fingertips. The waves may be cold and raging but there is something tranquil about touching them. It’s as if they are greeting him, as if they know him, as if they are welcoming him back.

Shoma smiles for himself and closes his eyes.

“Hello again.”

He decides to head to the left. The shore isn’t long enough for him to wander around for hours but there are bigger rocks on one side that Shoma has fond memories of. There are three quite close together. Their tops are sharp, piercing anything that would fall on them. The waves that have been crashing over them all these years haven’t flattened their spikes.

When Shoma was little, he used to imagine they were three cruel kings, ruling over the seas. No one ever dared to go near them, let alone touch them. The only way of defeating them was from the shore. Shoma would throw hundreds of pebbles at them. Most of them splashed into the water, far away from reaching the three kings.

Looking at them now, they don’t seem to be that far away anymore. They are still sharp but throwing a stone at them doesn’t seem like such a hassle.

Shoma bends down and picks one, throwing it with all his might. The stone hits one of the rocks with a sharp thud and then splashes into the water underneath.

“You’ve been defeated at last,” Shoma mumbles to himself.

He sits down and stares into the vast sea. There is nothing but the crashing waves enveloping his eyes and ears. Nothing but himself and the sea.

He could’ve been sitting there for hours when his fingers start to get numb from the cold and the pebbles he’s been sitting on press uncomfortably into his body. Shoma is reminded that water is not the only thing that flows and that even though it may not seem like it, time’s been moving as well.

He looks at the three kings for the last time, ready to bid his goodbye, when he notices it. At first, he thinks it might be an unruly wave that doesn’t know which way to go, but then it appears again. Too big to be a fish, too solid to be a wave. Blue and green.

Shoma blinks a few times and waits for it to show itself again but there is nothing anymore.

Just the three kings and the waves surrounding them.

***

_What if I got it wrong and no poem or song could put right what I got wrong?_

***

Shoma can’t concentrate in classes the next day. He doesn’t even register when one of the lecturers asks him a question, confusingly blinking when his name’s called again. The lecturer lets it pass this time and Shoma returns to his notes.

The edges of his notebooks are filled with different kinds of fins and scales. Big and small. Sometimes alone, sometimes attached to something Shoma can’t quite put his finger on. All of it blue and green.

His friends ask him about it but Shoma can’t explain. He just knows that he needs to go back.

He finds the note he wrote yesterday on the kitchen table and puts it on Itsuki’s door once more, adding one word.

 

_I’ve gone to the seaside. Again._

\-         _S_

 

  


***

_Swim out on a sea of faces, the tide of the human races. An answer now is what I need._

***

The wind isn’t as cruel as it was yesterday, and the waves have calmed down too. Shoma bows down in greeting when he reaches the shore but finds himself quickly retracing his steps to the three kings.

He doesn’t need to wait long to see it again. The serene waves make it harder to hide today but it doesn’t seem like the creature wants to. Its tail keeps appearing amongst the waves, splashing loudly.

Shoma sits down on the shore and keeps watching, completely entranced, until the creature disappears again.

***

_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes._

***

Shoma starts spending all his afternoons near the ocean after that, waiting for the creature to emerge from its depths. His friends and family have started asking him where he always disappears to and why he doesn’t pick up the phone when they call. He tells them that he’s okay and they don’t need to worry. When they ask Shoma’s brother, Itsuki just shrugs and says that Shoma has gone to the sea.

There isn’t much that changes. Only that the creature becomes less and less timid each day. Shoma wonders if it’s lonely. If it has friends in the deep waters or if it spends its nights looking forward to Shoma’s arrival just like he looks forward to seeing the creature again.

Shoma especially likes the days when the creature gets on top of the rocks in the sea. It doesn’t seem to be bothered by the sharp spikes, probably finding a comfortable spot to lounge on. Its tail is still safe in the water, sloshing around.

It was too beautiful not to stare. Too graceful not to be drawn in immediately. Shoma still couldn’t decide what the creature resembled. It never got close for him to really see it in its entire beauty, but still showed enough to keep Shoma guessing. Almost as if it was playing with him.

Shoma’s journals have turned into pages upon pages dedicated to the sea creature. Shoma’s decided to call it a mermaid in his head and fill the pages with it. He can’t stop thinking about anything else. Whenever he closes his eyes, there’s only blue and green. He starts running out of crayons, stealing Itsuki’s when his brother’s not around. He starts hanging the pictures in his room until the walls are filled. He puts them on the ceiling, on his closet doors, anywhere he can.

***

_You tell anyone who’ll listen, but you feel ignored. Nothing’s really making any sense at all._

***

“Are you alright?” his father asks him when they go for a family dinner on Sunday.

Shoma looks up from his steaming soup. “What?”

“You look like you don’t want to be spending your time with us.”

Shoma shakes his head. “No, that’s not it.”

“Itsuki told us that you’ve been spending too much time alone lately. Either by the sea or holed up in your room. Are you sure you’re alright?” his mother says worryingly.

“Yes,” Shoma says. “And Itsuki should learn how to keep his mouth shut.”

He kicks Itsuki under the table and jostles him enough that a few grains of rice fall out of his brother’s mouth.

“MUM!” Itsuki complains.

“Let your brother be, Shoma,” his mother reprimands him. “He’s just worried about you.”

“Yeah,” Itsuki says, his mouth still full of rice, “You don’t spend time with me anymore. You don’t even let me inside your room.”

Shoma pushes his bowl with the soup away. He hasn’t even touched his meal. He stands up and looks at his family’s confused and affronted faces.

“Why can’t anyone understand that I need some space and want to be left alone?” he says loudly enough for other people in the restaurant to turn their heads.

Shoma doesn’t spare them any thought and rushes away from the place.

It’s late and the sky is getting dark but Shoma still runs to the station. Thankfully, the next train isn’t full and Shoma manages to grab a spot for himself. He doesn’t think about how he’s going to travel back home. He just wants to get back to the sea.

Shoma’s never been to the shore at night when everything’s swallowed by darkness. The ocean is pitch black and it’s hard to discern where it ends and where it begins. The moon doesn’t help, with only a thin crescent in the sky.

Shoma runs across the slippery pebbles until he reaches the three kings. It’s hard to see what’s still a rock and what’s already the sea or the night sky. Shoma still tries to look for the mermaid. He hopes to see it splashing near one of the rocks. It’s hard though, his eyes won’t let him see anything.

“I’m sorry,” Shoma hangs his head, his steps retreating.

When suddenly…

“I’ve missed you.”

The voice sounds like liquid gold.

Shoma turns his head and looks at the rocks again but still doesn’t see anything.

“Over here,” the voice says again, seemingly closer than before.

Shoma presses his eyes closed and then opens them again, trying to adjust to the dimness around him.

“I can’t see you,” he says, searching the ocean.

Droplets of water hit his face and they’re followed by laughter that sounds like millions of jingle bells. Shoma shakes his head to get rid of the water and then he sees it.

 ** _They_** are right in front of him, not even two feet away.

It’s mostly a silhouette though. Shoma tries to look for the blue and green but the darkness doesn’t let him. He only sees sparkles where the light of the moon hits the creature before him.

Shoma is grateful for the haziness and the unclear edges that make it easier for him to take them in. They were entrancing from afar, but they are even more stunning this close to him. He can’t imagine what the mermaid might look like up close in the daylight.

“You’re so beautiful.”

The words leave his lips without him meaning to.

The creature laughs again, the sound ringing in Shoma’s ears. They look up at Shoma and then bashfully down again, their eyelashes softly flickering.

“So beautiful,” Shoma says deliberately now, taking a few steps towards them.

The mermaid beams and moves their tail.

They look different from what Shoma expected. Apart from being the most beautiful thing Shoma has ever seen, they’re also completely different to anyone or anything Shoma could ever imagine. And it’s not just because they’re a creature resembling a mermaid. Shoma has seen countless of mermaids, in movies and cartoons. No, this is something different. No fictional mermaid can compare to what is sitting in front of him.

“I’ve missed you,” the mermaid says again, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Shoma smiles before he shyly bites his lip. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner today. My family wanted me to spend some time with them.”

The mermaid studies him, their eyes so piercing that it makes Shoma a bit uncomfortable, and then they hum.

“You didn’t want to spend your time with them?” they ask.

“I…” Shoma stops, not wanting to lie. “No, I wanted to spend my time with you instead.”

“Don’t you like your family? Do they hurt you?” the creature asks in distress.

“No, no, no,” Shoma rushes to say, “They’ve never hurt me. They all care about me very much and I love them.”

“Why don’t you want to spend your time with them then?”

Shoma sighs, “I guess, sometimes, they care way too much.”

The mermaid throws their head back and laughs, “You humans are peculiar.”

Shoma frowns, “Why?”

“When others give you love, you usually throw it away.”

“That’s not true,” Shoma protests.

“Why aren’t you with them then?”

“Because then I wouldn’t be here,” Shoma mumbles. “You said you missed me.”

“I got worried when you didn’t show up. I’ve gotten used to your company.”

Shoma bites the side of his face to stop the corners of his lips from being pulled up. He picks up one of the pebbles by his feet and starts turning it in between his fingers.

“I’ve gotten used to yours too,” he says, still looking at the pebble in his hand.

The creature wiggles in content.

“That makes me happy. You shouldn’t abandon your family because of me though.”

Shoma chuckles, “I’m not abandoning them. I just want to spend my time with you. That’s all. Don’t you want to get away from your family sometimes?”

The mermaid shakes their head. “No, not really. Not anymore.”

They’re quiet after that. Both are just staring into the ocean, watching the waves ebb and flow. The silence isn’t uncomfortable as they’re doing what they’ve been doing every day. And yet, Shoma feels as if something’s changed. Looking at the three kings with the mermaid next to him, instead of watching them sloshing in the water, feels different. Shoma doesn’t know how exactly, but he’s glad he had to spend some time with his family if it means that he can talk with the mermaid now or sit beside them. But most importantly, if it means that the mermaid misses him when he’s not there.

“It’s quite late,” the mermaid’s voice chimes again, “You should probably go back home, so your family doesn’t worry too much.”

Shoma nods in agreement. He should really head back home and apologize even if it means that he will have to explain everything.

He stands up, dusting off the salt from his trousers.

“Wait! Your pebble,” the mermaid says, reaching out for the pebble Shoma’s been playing with and handing it to him.

Shoma smiles, “You can keep it for now. I’ll come for it tomorrow.”

There’s not much that Shoma can see but he’s sure there was a glint in the mermaid’s eyes when they heard his words.

“So, you’ll come tomorrow?”

“I promise.”

The mermaid squeezes the pebble in their hand and brings it close to their chest.

“I’ll keep it safe for you.”

***

_You and me are floating on a tidal wave. Together._

***

Shoma misses the last train home. It’s late. It had been too late when he’d left the restaurant and he can’t even think about how much time he spent with the mermaid. Shoma hates that he doesn’t even know their name. He doesn’t want to be thinking about them as just a mermaid. And he’s been thinking about them a lot.

He thinks about what their name could be on his way home. Walking takes longer than taking the train would, but there’s nothing Shoma can do about that now. He appreciates the time he gets to spend alone and lets his mind run wild.

The mermaid promised to wait for him and be there tomorrow. The mermaid said they would keep his pebble safe for him. They told Shoma that they’d missed him. They could speak. They could laugh. Oh, and how wonderful their laughter was. Shoma tries to recall it, but every version is cloaked by the mist that was surrounding the ocean. Shoma knows that he needs to hear it again. See the mermaid again. See all the blue and green.

His parents wait for him when he comes back to the apartment he shares with his brother. They aren’t angry with him, or maybe they are and they’re just good at hiding it. Mostly, they’re just worried — worried that they didn’t know where Shoma went, worried that he wasn’t coming back, worried that he wasn’t picking up his phone. Shoma’s almost forgotten that he has one because he’s been vehemently ignoring all calls and messages for the past days.

He apologises. He says that he wanted to be alone, that he missed the last train, and that he will try to be better. He’s not telling the whole truth, but he’s not lying either. Well, except for the last part. Shoma doesn’t know if he can be better, and he doesn’t know if he can even try. He’s been trying for the past three years and it always worked for a while. He forgot, he laughed with his friends, he chased Itsuki on their garden, he paid attention in classes, and was his former self. But it would eventually always pass. Something would remind him, and he would fall back into the hollowness that had made its home in his heart.

The hollowness never goes away, not completely. Shoma can try and fill his mind with other things, but his heart is still empty. Except for when he spends his days on the shore. It’s almost as if the small pieces were glued back together, but even then, the cracks remain.

When Shoma gets on the train the next day, the nice lady working there recognizes him and smiles at him kindly. Shoma tries to smile back.

His eyes start drooping not long after the train starts moving. He got home too late to get enough sleep before he had to get up for his morning classes.

Shoma presses his head against the window and falls asleep, thankful for every minute he can spend with his eyes closed.

He’s shaken awake by a hand on his shoulder too soon, and when his vision becomes less bleary, he realises it belongs to the nice lady from earlier.

“I think this might be your stop?” she says gently.

Shoma looks out the window and nods his head, “Yes, thank you.”

He quickly leaves the train and follows the familiar path. It’s warmer today as if the weather understood that Shoma won’t stop visiting the sea and sitting on its shore. As if it knew that what is waiting for him there is worth enduring all kinds of weather. So, today, there are no threatening winds or ominous thunderclouds. Only the sun high up in the sky and a few clouds obscuring it every now and then.

Shoma half-expects the mermaid to be lounging on one of the spiky rocks like they did every time before yesterday, but when he gets to them, the mermaid isn’t there. They’re not in the water either. They’re at the exact same spot where Shoma left them yesterday, lying on their belly with their head resting on their crossed hands, their tail happily splashing in the small waves that reach the shore. Their eyes are closed and Shoma is lost for words.

Shoma feels like they’re just a mirage. That he’s going to blink, and they will disappear. They look so out of place on the shore. There’s the grey sea and pebbles in different shades of brown and beige, and then there’s them. The sun is making them stand out even more and Shoma is almost blinded because the creature actually sparkles.

He approaches them slowly but still chooses to stand a few feet away not to disturb them. They’re different. Of course, they are a mermaid, but it’s not only that. They’re different to what Shoma imagined they might be. He’d created this image of them in his head from their encounters, but nothing could’ve prepared him for seeing them like this, so close and in the daylight.

Truth be told, they don’t look like a mermaid. It’s not that Shoma’s met any mermaids before, but there was a certain picture that he had in his head when someone mentioned mermaids. A picture that was different to what is lying in front of him.

This mermaid has a black tail with smudges of blue and green that become paler and paler as they reach the mermaid’s belly and their chest, until the colours blend into white and then almost nude around the neck. Their arms are blue and green too. Everything is blue and green, and everything is sparkling. And Shoma is mesmerized.

He doesn’t even realise that he’s started moving again and is now almost close enough to touch. Shoma notices the darker pebbles around the mermaid’s body. They’re wet. Everything around the mermaid is wet. There is water dripping down their hair and it doesn’t seem to dry.

Shoma trips over a twig, the sound too loud not to be noticed, and the mermaid opens their eyes.

They look up at him and smile the most beautiful smile Shoma’s ever seen.

“You came,” the mermaid says, their head still resting on their hands.

“I… um…,” Shoma tries to swallow against the scratchy dryness of his throat. “Yes.”

He doesn’t know if he’s allowed to talk right now. He doesn’t know if he’s even allowed to look.

The mermaid lifts their head slowly and turns their hand palm up, showing Shoma what’s inside.

“I’ve kept it safe.”

Shoma just keeps staring. He must look like a deer caught in the headlights.

The mermaid giggles, “Don’t you want it?”

Shoma shakes his head. “No. I mean… I mean, yes, I… Thank you.”

The impish smile isn’t leaving the mermaid’s lips.

“Then come and get it.”

Shoma forces his legs to move even though they feel like jelly and crouches before the mermaid. They extend their arm and Shoma takes the pebble from them.

“It’s wet. And cold.”

The mermaid laughs again, “Of course it’s wet and cold. I’ve been holding it.”

“Oh,” Shoma says, turning the pebble in his hand.

“You seem tired,” the mermaid says out of the blue.

Shoma lays down next to them, the pebbles underneath him warm thanks to the sunshine. He turns his head, so he can look at the mermaid. “I haven’t slept much.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. You can sleep now.” The mermaid puts their head on their hands again. “We can sleep together.”

Shoma doesn’t know whether he replies something or not before sleep takes him.

He dreams of the ocean, of its abysses and dangerous currents that could devour him and never release him again. He dreams of the underwater creatures, of the starfish and seahorses, of corals and anemones. He dreams of the mermaid, of their tail right in front of him, quickly moving forward, and Shoma reaching, reaching out to it but never being able to grasp it in his hands. Shoma dreams of the mermaid’s fingers, blue and cold, touching his face and leaving wet paths wherever they go.

They’re cool and gentle, touching Shoma’s forehead, eyebrows, and eyelids before making their way to his nose, and cheeks, and chin, and lips. A droplet of water slips down the side of Shoma’s face and falls down his neck.

It tickles and Shoma shivers, opening his eyelids.

There are dark eyes above him that widen after realising that he’s woken up. The mermaid yelps and jumps back.

Shoma touches his wet face with his hand. He can feel the salt on his fingers.

“I’m sorry,” the mermaid mumbles. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Shoma turns to his side, suddenly feeling bold.

“Can I,” he pauses before stretching out his hand, “can I touch?”

The mermaid mirrors Shoma’s position, their faces only a few inches apart. They close their eyes and Shoma takes it as his invitation to touch.

He puts his shaking fingertips on the black strands of hair that are stuck together on the mermaid’s forehead first. They’re so cold. Everything is so cold and yet, there’s warmth spreading inside of Shoma’s chest.

Shoma touches the mermaid’s face the way he remembers them touching his. His eyes follow his exploring fingers. When Shoma reaches the mermaid’s jaw, suddenly fingers are not enough.

Shoma spreads his hand on the mermaid’s neck, touching the small gills at the side of it. He lets his hand wander down the mermaid’s arms and chest, admiring every single scale and the way they catch the light. Circling his finger around the one that is slightly bigger than the other ones and resembles a pulled bowstring.

Shoma lays his hand on the mermaid’s waist, where the dark blue is turning more and more into black, and looks up. The mermaid is looking back at him and their arm is hanging in the air between their bodies.

Shoma nods his head lightly and the mermaid puts their hand on his waist too, on the place where his sweatshirt ends. Dampness spreads itself around the mermaid’s hand and Shoma winces.

The mermaid lifts their hand with an apologetic look, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.”

Shoma takes their hand in his and puts it back on his waist.

“It will dry,” he says.

They stay like that. Holding each other. Looking into each other’s eyes.

The mermaid opens their mouth.

“I’ve never- “

“Me neither.”

The mermaid closes their eyes not soon after. They don’t seem to be sleeping though. It looks like they’re just enjoying Shoma’s touch. Or maybe Shoma wants to believe that. Looking at his hand on the mermaid’s tail and then the blissful smile on their face makes him blush.

He moves his hand back to their face and starts playing with their hair. They’re so wet that water just keeps dripping from the strands. It’s hard to run his fingers through it but Shoma tries nonetheless. The mermaid obviously likes it judging by how they lean into Shoma’s touch. And how the hand on Shoma’s waist has slipped underneath his sweatshirt.

Shoma opens his mouth but realises that he doesn’t know what to say.

He clears his throat, trying to catch the mermaid’s attention.

They open their eyes, blinking softly.

“Do you… do you have a name?” Shoma asks a moment later, after he’s recovered from looking into those beautiful eyes again.

The mermaid frowns. “A name?”

“Yeah. What do others call you?”

The mermaid hums. “We don’t have names. We don’t have a language like you people do.”

So, there is more of them. Shoma tries to hide his surprise. He was only guessing when he asked but the idea of the sea being filled with unbelievably beautiful creatures is both the most tempting and the scariest thing in the world. Then he halts.

“But if you don’t have a language, how can you…” he stops, not finishing the rest of the sentence.

The mermaid looks down. They move their hand from Shoma’s waist to pick some of the pebbles, getting them wet in the process. Shoma misses their hold as soon as it disappears.

“I was doing what I shouldn’t have,” the mermaid says sadly, throwing a wet pebble on a pile of dry ones. “I used to spend too much time near the shore, watching people because I thought they were fascinating, but my family didn’t like that. They thought your kind was dangerous and cruel.”

Shoma takes a dry pebble and hands it to the mermaid, making them smile softly.

“You’re not cruel though,” the mermaid says. “You’re sweet and lovely.”

They take the pebble from Shoma, their and Shoma’s fingers briefly brushing.

“Did you- did you learn to understand us by listening to us?” Shoma asks, still blushing because of what the mermaid said.

They nod. “I was spending too much time on the shore and l was watching how people communicate. My family thought that I was being reckless and risking that people would notice us and then hunt us like they did hunt every species. But I don’t think anyone’s ever seen me, and the shore used to be quite crowded.” The mermaid puffs their chest. “That helped me with your language. I understand everything.”

Shoma takes another pebble and hands it to the mermaid, waiting for it to be encompassed by the sea flowing from their fingers.

“I’d never seen you though, and nobody comes here. Nobody knows about this place.”

Something gloomy flickers in the mermaid’s eyes. “I’m not from here.”

They draw back from Shoma and sit up, hugging their tail and setting their head on it.

“What do you mean you’re not from here?” Shoma asks. “How did you get here?”

The mermaid moves their hand and touches their cheek with their blue fingers as if they were trying to get rid of the water droplets that didn’t belong to the sea.

“I wasn’t listening to my family and they were right. I shouldn’t have gone to the shore that night but there were all these pretty lights and I was curious.”

Shoma sits up too and scoots closer to the mermaid. He waits for them to move away from him, but they don’t. They lift their head and look at him. Shoma mirrors their position from earlier, hugging his legs and putting his head on his knees, and the mermaid follows him.

“What happened that night?” Shoma whispers.

The mermaid closes their eyes, trying to hide the pain. “It was late when I was trying to get back to my family. They’d warned me that the sea would turn violent and furious, but I’d gone nonetheless. And they were right. I thought I was on the right way back home when the big wave came.” The mermaid swallows. “And then another one, and another. The current was too strong to fight it. It kept playing with me as if I were a small sardine.” They smile sorrowfully. “I remember being lost and weak, and closing my eyes… And then I woke up here.”

Shoma doesn’t know what to say. He feels so ashamed for complaining about his family worrying about him, since at least he has a family. The mermaid has no one and who knows for how long.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my own fault. I was stupid and didn’t listen to them when I should’ve.” The mermaid reaches out with their arm and caresses Shoma’s cheek, the water trickling down Shoma’s face. “You should go back to your family. I’ll be here when you come back.”

Shoma squeezes the hand on his cheek with both of his. “I’ll come tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” The mermaid smiles, the smile looking more genuine this time.

Their hand falls from Shoma’s face and Shoma stands up, already missing their touch.

He’s already on the hill when he hears the voice that sounds like chimes again.

“You never told me your name!” the mermaid cries.

“It’s Shoma!” he shouts back.

The mermaid is quiet and Shoma turns, so he can continue on his way when his name is called again.

“Shoma?”

A thrill rushes through his spine.

“Yes?”

“Could you do something for me?”

Shoma nods, but he doesn’t know if the mermaid can see it. He’d do anything they asked.

“Give me one,” the mermaid asks. “Give me a name.”

_***_

__

__

_Some things you have to believe, but others are puzzles, puzzling me._

_***_

Shoma gets to his room and leans against the door, unable to wipe the smile off his face. He rushes to his desk and takes out all the blue and green crayons he can find – light, dark, cyan, turquoise, teal, mint, sea green.

He doesn’t sleep that night. He spends it above his desk with the lamp on, filling pages upon pages with what he can remember. How the sun reflected on the mermaid’s tail. How their eyes twinkled when they smiled. How the water dripped from their hair. How it felt to touch them, to drag his fingers across their arms and chest, to trace the small glassy scales that turned into bigger ones. How it was to circle his fingers around the biggest one, the one that lay right where the mermaid’s heart would be. The one that made Shoma’s own heart beat just a tad bit faster. Shoma keeps coming back to it. Keeps drawing it over and over until it’s everywhere. He can’t get it out of his head.

A tightly pulled bowstring.

  
**_Yuzuru._**

_***_

_You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be on your own._

__

_***_

There’s a boat. Shoma doesn’t know how it got there or where it came from, but there’s a boat on the shore.

It’s pretty simple. Just a regular wooden boat with two oars. It doesn’t look old but it’s not new either.

Yuzuru is leaning against it, tail happily splashing where it can reach into the water.

Shoma runs down the narrow path to the shore and then quickly to the three kings. He’s been smiling all day. His friends kept asking him what made him so happy, teasing him about being in love. Shoma blushed whenever he heard that word but didn’t say a single thing.

“What is this?” he says, not being able to hide his excitement of seeing the mermaid again.

“We’re going on a trip,” Yuzuru says mischievously.

“Where did you get the boat?” Shoma asks in disbelief.

Yuzuru looks down, biting their lip.

Shoma widens his eyes. “Did you steal it?”

“I’m going to give it back! And the fishermen have plenty more and better ones. They won’t miss this one.”

It’s almost funny how indignantly the mermaid’s defending themself.

Shoma chuckles, “It’s okay. I don’t mind, Yuzuru.”

The mermaid looks up, their eyes twinkling like Christmas lights. “You gave me a name.”

“Well, you… you asked me to, so I did.” Shoma bites the side of his mouth. “Do you like it? I can change it if you don’t.”

“Yuzuru,” they repeat their name. “Could you say it again?”

“Um… Yuzuru?” Shoma’s tongue gets stuck in his throat. “It’s just the first thing that came to my mind. I don’t even know if you’re a boy or a girl. I just... I just thought- “

“I like it when you say it. It sounds nice. Your voice is so lovely,” Yuzuru says. The tail suddenly creates a big splash and the boat moves until it’s floating on top of the waves.

Yuzuru taps it a couple of time with his fingers, signalling for Shoma to get on.

“Are you a boy?” Yuzuru asks when Shoma’s finally on the boat.

“Yeah,” Shoma says, picking up the two oars when he realises that Yuzuru is not joining him.

“I thought so.”

“Are you?”

Shoma starts rowing while Yuzuru just lies on the water, moving forwards with just a few splashes of the tail. If Shoma were to be honest, this is not how he imagined this trip to go.

Yuzuru giggles, “No.” They slosh a bit of water onto Shoma.

“Oh, so, you’re a girl then.”

Yuzuru disappears beneath the surface and when they emerge again, it’s on the other side of the boat, right next to Shoma.

“No,” they say again with a voice that’s filled with laughter. “I am a mermaid, silly.”

And then they disappear under the waves again.

Shoma just shakes his head. His hands are starting to hurt, and he thinks he might have calluses on his fingers already. He’s not weak, it’s just that he’s not used to rowing. Who even rows in their spare time? He’s not sure. Rowers, maybe.

He doesn’t have to say anything though. It’s like Yuzuru knows. They emerge not long after, spattering water down Shoma’s shirt and they really need to stop doing that because Shoma is going to be utterly drenched soon. The sun is strong today, a peek of the summer that’s just around the corner, but Shoma would still rather stay dry.

He tells Yuzuru exactly that and Yuzuru just laughs again. They lean against the side of the boat next to Shoma, blinking innocently.

“Do you trust me?” Yuzuru asks.

“Yes,” Shoma replies instantly.

Suddenly, there are arms dragging him down and he doesn’t even have enough time to catch his breath before he’s swallowed by the water. He starts spluttering and coughing as soon as he gets back to the surface.

“What the hell!” he yells, trying to stay afloat. “Why did you do that?”

Yuzuru just keeps giggling, moving their head from side to side and looking like the happiest creature on the planet.

“Do you trust me?” they ask again.

“No!”

Yuzuru swims closer to him, eyes twinkling. “Put your arms around my neck.”

And Shoma doesn’t trust the mermaid, Shoma doesn’t trust that look, but he can’t keep himself from touching them again, so he wraps his arms around their neck and closes his eyes, preparing himself for the worst.

But nothing comes. Yuzuru disappears beneath the surface but just far enough, so Shoma’s still above the water and then Yuzuru just swims. It’s almost like swimming with a dolphin, except this is hundred times better. Because there’s a mermaid underneath Shoma. Because that mermaid is Yuzuru.

They don’t swim too far but it’s enough for Shoma to experience what being a mermaid might feel like. The saltwater in his eyes, the soft waves caressing his face, one or two fish jumping above him. And Shoma laughs and laughs and laughs.

Yuzuru takes him back to the boat, splashing him with their tail once more just for good measure. They hold the boat to steady it, so Shoma can get back on.

“Wait for me. I’ll be right back,” Yuzuru says and then they’re gone again.

Shoma lies there with his eyes closed trying to catch his breath. He’s not going anywhere, at least not now.

He doesn’t know what happened but the next time he opens his eyes, he’s on the shore again. Still on the boat but it’s not moving anymore. He’s dried for the most part and Yuzuru is staring at him fondly.

Shoma shakes his head. “I’m so sorry. You took me on a trip and I fell asleep. You probably must’ve dragged me back here, right? I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. I got what I wanted, and you don’t weigh much. Pulling the boat back was no struggle at all.”

Yuzuru is hovering above Shoma’s face, droplets of water hitting it every now and then. The sun is just behind them, illuminating only one side of their face, the other side hidden in the shadow. Shoma is once again struck by their beauty and he reaches with his hand to touch their magical face but Yuzuru interprets it wrong and just grabs Shoma’s hand instead, pulling him up.

The sunrays hit Shoma in the face and he has to close his eyes to adjust.

“Keep them closed,” Yuzuru whispers. “I got something for you.”

Shoma does as he’s told, and he can feel something cold and wet being put over his head and around his neck.

“You can open them now,” Yuzuru says.

Shoma looks at Yuzuru first and sees them looking back warmly. He then looks at what’s hanging around his neck and gasps.

“That’s a pearl,” he murmurs, taking it in his hand and cradling it.

“Yeah, it is,” Yuzuru says. Their adoring smile is not directed at the pearl though, rather above it.

Shoma blushes. “It’s beautiful.”

Yuzuru brushes a few strands of hair from Shoma’s eyes. “Just like you.”

Shoma’s still sitting on the wooden boat and Yuzuru is on the shore, and there’s still the side of the boat separating them but Shoma won’t let it hold him back from doing what he wants to do the most right now.

He catches Yuzuru’s hand and pulls the mermaid closer. Yuzuru opens their mouth in surprise and Shoma’s eyes follow the movement of their lips. He wonders if they taste like sea salt. If they taste like his fingers did when he put them against his own lips when leaving the shore last night.

Yuzuru’s lips are so pink and shiny and wet, just like the rest of the mermaid, and Shoma desperately needs to touch them with his.

The corners of Yuzuru’s mouth suddenly lift. “Are you going to just stare at my lips or will you kiss me already?”

Laughter bubbles up in Shoma and he just closes his eyes and presses his lips against Yuzuru’s.

They’re soft. They’re so soft and gentle. Shoma doesn’t know if he’s just imagining it, but Yuzuru’s lips aren’t cold at all, nor salty. They’re sweet and warm, moving beneath his own slowly, slightly pushing and then pulling back quickly, only for Shoma to chase them.

Shoma shivers when he feels water seep into the front of his shirt when Yuzuru’s hands find their way to his chest, and then drops of it trickle down his neck when Yuzuru’s hands find their way into his hair, making it damp.

But they keep kissing. Long and deep kisses turning into short pecks turning into just tender brushes of lips against lips. It’s addictive and Shoma can’t help but wish he had done it sooner. He wants to keep kissing Yuzuru. Every day, every hour, every minute.

A giggle escapes Yuzuru’s lips and they lean back. Shoma follows their lips and makes them laugh even more.

“You’re so eager,” Yuzuru chuckles, holding Shoma’s head in both hands.

Shoma blinks a few times, trying to regain focus. He feels intoxicated.

“Did you enchant me?” he asks.

The mermaid giggles again and Shoma thinks they might have been enchanted as well. It seems that all they do is laugh.

“I can’t enchant people. This is not a fairy tale.”

“Oh,” Shoma lowers his head. “So, you’ll stay like this? Your tail won’t change into legs.”

“I don’t think it works like this. Magic doesn’t exist.”

“I thought creatures like you didn’t exist,” Shoma says. His cheeks are suddenly burning under Yuzuru’s cold touch.

Yuzuru caresses Shoma’s cheek.

“I thought people like you didn’t exist either.”

_***_

_The sky could fall, could fall on me. The parting of the sea. But you mean more, mean more to me than any colour I can see._

_***_

“Shoma!” his grandfather exclaims dearly as soon as he sees him.

“Grandpa!” Shoma cries, running into the open arms that are waiting for him.

He’s missed his grandfather so much. He used to visit him more often and he feels guilty for abandoning him like this.

His grandfather just waves his hand. “You’re here now, aren’t you, Shoma?”

Shoma nods bashfully.

“That’s all that matters to me.”

His grandpa opens the door to his studio, knowing too well what Shoma’s been so eager to see.

“Come, come. I know you want to.”

Shoma enters the room and instantly feels at ease. There’s still that vase in the corner with dry sunflowers that his grandfather’s kept all these years despite everyone telling him he should throw it away. There are brushes in glasses that have smears on them because his grandfather never cared about cleaning his brushes enough and they would always leave marks on the glasses. There are big ones and small ones. All different types. Shoma remembers playing with them as a child. He always looked up to his grandpa and wanted to be like him.

He takes one of the brushes into his hands, smiling.

“How are you doing?” his grandpa asks him. “Are you working on something?”

Shoma thinks about his room, about how it’s filled with different sketches and paintings of the same thing. He thinks about how he can’t get enough, how he always thinks of a new thing to draw or paint. He thinks about the pearl hanging from his neck, hidden underneath his shirt now.

“A thing or two,” Shoma says nonchalantly, quickly diverting the attention from himself. “What are you working on?”

“I’ve got one or two things.” His grandfather winks at him. “I’m working on these blue roses because that family of yours still won’t let my sunflowers be.”

Shoma grins. He’s missed him so much.

His grandfather shows him a bouquet of roses, most of them are still white, but there are some that are deeply blue. Almost like Yuzuru’s scales. Shoma can’t take his eyes off them. They’re beautiful.

“If they want me to replace my sunflowers, I’ll replace them with something extra special at least.”

His grandfather moves to the easel and Shoma follows him. There’s a half-finished painting of the sea, the three kings barely visible in the water, and the shore full of small pebbles. There are two figures playing on the shore. Shoma sees the two boys, and he has to shut his eyes as if that would stop the pain from coming. As if that would stop his poorly healed heart from completely shattering.

“Remember how you and Sota used to play there?” his grandfather asks him, not realising how much those words hurt.

And Shoma doesn’t want to remember. Shoma wants to forget. Shoma has been forgetting all this time and he’s been doing fine. He’s erased Sota from his memories, he’s erased him from the shore, he’s erased him from his mind. He’s created a story where Sota never existed, where it was just Shoma and his grandfather on that shore all those years ago.

“It’s such a shame you two are not friends anymore.”

The words are like a punch to the gut.

Shoma smiles through the pain but he knows he can’t stay any longer. It hurts too much.

He says goodbye to his grandpa, giving him a made-up excuse about how much reading he has to do for uni, but stops on the threshold, his eyes stuck on the vase with the blue and white roses.

“Could I take one?” he asks.

“Of course. And don’t worry, they’re all treated, so they won’t die.”

Shoma smiles at his grandpa, mouthing a thank you and taking one blue rose from the vase.

He runs across the field and down the hill, skipping across the pebbles to get to Yuzuru as quickly as possible.

Yuzuru is waiting for him on the shore like every day before with that same playful smile.

“Close your eyes,” Shoma cries from afar.

Yuzuru giggles like Shoma knew they would. “Do you have a present for me?”

“Yes,” Shoma says when he gets closer to them.

He takes the flower from behind his back and presents it to Yuzuru.

“You can open them now.”

Yuzuru’s eyes widen and the mermaid claps their hands like a small child.

“It’s blue! Like me!” they say, taking it from Shoma’s hand.

Shoma sits down next to them. “It made me think of you.”

Yuzuru smiles so big that they have to scrunch their nose. “Thank you.”

They lean closer to Shoma and Shoma accepts the small peck that lands on his lips.

“I wish we could have flowers in the sea. Yours are so pretty. Where I’m from, your people were carrying lots of flowers, but I’ve never seen ones as beautiful as this.”

“It’s not real,” Shoma mumbles, destroying the moment. He realises it as soon as the words leave his lips and tries to fix it. “My grandfather made it. It reminded me of you not because it’s blue but because it’s unreal just like you. The blue rose is so beautiful that it can’t exist in the real world and you are so beautiful that you’ve been hidden from it. You belong together.”

Yuzuru studies him and then puts their hand on the pearl that’s pressed against Shoma’s chest. “Just like you and the pearl do.”

Shoma touches his forehead against Yuzuru’s and closes his eyes. He wraps his arms around the mermaid, wanting to be held. He lets himself be soaked with water and the calmness that comes with it.

“Are you okay?” Yuzuru whispers in his ear.

Shoma sniffles, “No, not really.”

“I thought so.” Yuzuru strokes his hair. “You don’t seem like yourself today.”

Shoma nuzzles into Yuzuru’s neck. “Maybe I’m myself for the first time.”

Yuzuru leans back to look Shoma in the eyes. “What do you mean?”

Shoma shrugs. He doesn’t know if the salt on his cheeks is from Yuzuru or his own tears.

“I thought I was okay. I thought I forgot.”

The tears start falling again. One big drop after another. Shoma doesn’t try to dry them.

“What did you think you forgot?”

“Sota,” Shoma gets out but saying his name hurts so much that he collapses onto Yuzuru again and that’s when the sobs come.

Yuzuru just holds him, stroking his back and kissing the crown of his head, comforting him in any way they can.

“Just cry. Let it all out. The shore is big enough. It can hold all your tears.”

So Shoma does. He cries and cries and cries. He thinks about the summers spent on this shore, and cries. He thinks about chasing Sota and throwing stones at the three kings, and cries. He thinks about swimming in the ocean, and cries. He thinks about Sota telling him that they’re moving, and cries. He thinks about hugging him for the last time, and cries. He thinks about how the car disappeared in the distance, and cries. He thinks about all the months they texted each other, and cries. He thinks about Sota’s ‘Is something wrong?’, and cries. He thinks about how he just couldn’t text him anymore because it hurt so much, and cries. He cries and cries and cries.

And Yuzuru lets him. Yuzuru holds him and sways them softly, not saying anything. Shoma can only hear the sound of waves hitting the shore.

“You have me. You know that, right?” Yuzuru whispers when the sobs subside a bit. “And you have your family. And your friends from school.”

Yuzuru kisses the top of his head again. “Was he a close friend?”

Shoma nods against Yuzuru’s chest, his cheek pressed against the scales. “He used to be my best friend. We’d spent every day together since we were little kids. He’s the only other person who knows about this place. My grandfather used to take us here.”

“What happened?” Yuzuru asks.

“Sota’s dad had found a job in a different city and they all decided to move there. And we agreed that we would talk daily and call each other and visit each other when we can.” Shoma shrugs. “But I couldn’t. Sota had found other friends in the new city and I had my friends here, and eventually, I stopped replying to his messages.”

“Why did you stop?”

“It wasn’t going anywhere. The messages became less and less frequent. And he’d found better friends there. It’s obvious he wouldn’t stay hung up on me like I did on him.”

“Did he try to reach out?” Yuzuru asks.

“A few times. But he gave up after I never replied, and he hasn’t messaged me in the past year, so I think he’s moved on.” He bites his lip. “I thought I had moved on.”

Yuzuru changes their position, leaning against the tree trunk that has been on the shore ever since Shoma can remember. He and Sota used to fence there, balancing on it and trying to make the other one fall.

Yuzuru wraps their arms around Shoma and presses his back close to their chest, putting their head on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to take your mind off it?”

Shoma nods.

“I had someone like Sota too. Back home, there was another mermaid that I used to play with. They were older than me, but not by much. We used to create small cities on the bottom of the ocean. I liked the lights of the city that I would see every night and I would tell my family about it, but they would just scold me and tell me to never go above the surface ever again.” The mermaid chuckles. “Why do we have the ability to breathe both in and out of water then? I used to tell them that but then I would only get scolded again.” They smile. “Not by that mermaid though. They wanted to know more but were too scared to go with me, so they would ask me questions about the people, what they looked like, what they did, how the city looked. I would spend hours and hours describing everything. I was so happy that someone wanted to know.”

“That is lovely,” Shoma mumbles, staring into the ocean in front of him.

“We used to create the small underwater cities together, finding rocks and seaweeds, and putting them all together. Almost nobody lived there though, not for long.”

Shoma blinks and turns, so he can look at Yuzuru. “Someone lived there?”

Yuzuru laughs, “We used to catch small fish and put them there. They were all so fast and kept escaping. It was impossible to control them. But there was this one, a bright yellow one, that always stayed. Even when we went away and then came back, the fish would still be in the city. That was the only…” The mermaid frowns. “What do you call them? City… cities?”

“Citizen?” Shoma guesses.

“YES!” the mermaid exclaims. “The only citizen of that city."

“Do you miss them?” Shoma asks.

“The fish or the other mermaids?”

“Both.” Shoma shrugs.

“I do. I wonder what they’re doing and if they miss me. And I wonder if that yellow fish still lives beneath the seaweed like it used to.” Yuzuru squeezes Shoma closer. “I’m quite lonely here. The highlight of my day is when you come to visit me. You are the only citizen of this shore.” They try to laugh but their expression turns rather sour.

Shoma turns fully, so he’s sitting on the mermaid’s lap, or their tail. He takes Yuzuru’s face in his hands just like Yuzuru did to him many times.

“You are the only citizen of this sea,” he says.

Yuzuru starts shaking their head. “No, no. There are other creatures in this sea.”

“No. Not for me.” Shoma kisses their nose. “Nobody else matters. Only you.” He moves to the mermaid’s lips, whispering against them, “The only citizen of my heart.”

The mermaid surges forward, capturing Shoma’s lips in a kiss. And just like that, Shoma forgets about all that’s been hurting him.

Yuzuru’s kisses move from Shoma’s lips to his cheeks and chin, eyebrows and eyelids, leaving salty paths wherever they go.

When Shoma opens his eyes again, Yuzuru is caressing his face but they look worried.

“You shouldn’t be spending as much time with me as you do. You should be with your family and other friends too.”

Shoma tries to understand what Yuzuru means but he comes up with nothing.

“Do you not want me here?” he asks with a quivering voice.

“I do, of course, I do. But you’re here all the time. Every day.”

“You just said that you look forward to me visiting you. That you like it.”

“I do but I’d been here completely alone, and I am used to it. You have to think about yourself too. You spend all your time here. What about your family? What about your brother? I’m sure he misses you.”

Yuzuru reaches with their hand to touch the side of Shoma’s face but Shoma avoids their touch.

“You’re just like them,” he whispers. “Telling me what to do without actually asking me what I might think, what I might feel.”

He gets up, wiping the tears off his face with his palms.

“Shoma,” the mermaid pleads. “You know it’s not like that. I only want the best for you. I’m trying to protect you.”

Shoma shakes his head. He can’t believe this.

“This is not how you protect someone.”

He turns around and starts walking away, ignoring the calling of his name.

It doesn’t sound like chimes anymore. It sounds like huge bells that won’t stop ringing, screaming inside Shoma’s head.

_***_

_Everything I know is wrong. Everything I do, it just comes undone. And everything is torn apart._

_***_

Shoma doesn’t go to the sea the next day. Or the day after that. He sits in his room surrounded by all the blue and green and just cries. He can’t sleep at night. He feels like the pearl around his neck is dragging him down, deep into the dark waters of the ocean. He wakes up gasping, trying to catch his breath. He tears the string with the pearl from his neck and throws it into the corner of the room. He tears all the pictures too. There are so many, but he gets rid of them all.

Somebody knocks on his door and Shoma doesn’t care that he looks like a mess and that his room looks like a mess too. He opens the door anyway.

Itsuki is standing on the other side.

“Shoma, I heard some noise. Are you okay?”

He seems so concerned and Shoma should protect him. Itsuki is his younger brother, so Shoma should protect him. But they’ve never worked like this. The older has never protected the younger one. They have always protected each other.

And so Shoma crumbles.

He crumbles into Itsuki’s arms. His brother steadily holding him.

“I have been so worried about you. You haven’t talked to me all these days. I’ve been so worried, Shoma.”

Itsuki keeps saying how worried he’s been, and Shoma feels so guilty because he’s never wanted it to be like this. Itsuki doesn’t seem to be reproachful though. He just sounds… worried.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Shoma keeps sobbing into his brother’s shirt.

“It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. I am here now. You can tell me.”

And Shoma does. He doesn’t care if his brother’s going to believe him or not. He tells him everything. Something about the darkness of the room and Itsuki’s warmth and touch all around him making him feel safe.

He tells him how he went to the shore for the first time after all those months again. How he went on the day three years after Sota had left. He tells him how he saw something in the waves and how he returned the next day to see it again.

He reaches for the pictures, all the blue and green, and tells him how beautiful the creature is. How entranced he was when he first saw it. How entranced he still is.

He tells him about Yuzuru. About their tail and their scales that sparkle when the light touches them. He tells him about their cold hands that are soft to the touch and salty and wet.

He tells him about the boat, he tells him about the pearl, he tells him about the kiss. He tells him everything.

And Itsuki listens. He doesn’t interrupt him once. He just listens.

He waits until Shoma’s finished to hug him again and say how sorry he is.

But Itsuki is Itsuki and he lets his curiosity get the best of him eventually.

“They gave you a pearl?” he asks with big earnest eyes.

Shoma laughs through his tears.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, getting up and crawling behind his desk where he threw it.

He needs to fumble with his hand for a while, but he finds it nonetheless.

“Here.” Shoma gives the pearl to Itsuki. The light of the moon pouring in through the window hits it just right and it sparkles in Itsuki’s hand.

“It’s so beautiful,” Itsuki says in awe.

“They are beautiful too.”

Itsuki looks up from the pearl and frowns. “What exactly happened?”

“They told me they don’t want me to spend my time with them anymore.”

“Why would they do that?” Itsuki asks in confusion.

Shoma shrugs.

“Shoma.” His brother narrows his eyes at him. “What exactly did they tell you?”

Shoma bites his lip. “That I should spend more time with other people and not just them.”

Itsuki facepalms and groans, “SHOMA!”

“What?” Shoma asks indignantly.

“They’re just worried about you! What did you tell them after that?”

Shoma just shrugs again. “Nothing. I just left… and haven’t gone back.”

Itsuki hides his face in his hands, groaning into his palms. Shoma is glad they’re the only ones living in this apartment.

“Why are you so dumb? How can someone like me have such a dumb brother like you?”

Shoma smacks his brother on the arm. “Shut up.”

“You’re going back today. You know that, right? I know you want to go back because you’ve realised how dumb you were for leaving like that.”

“Itsuki- “

Itsuki raises his finger at him. “And if you don’t, I’ll drag you there myself.”

“You don’t even know where it is!”

“Then you better go yourself or we’re going to get lost!”

_***_

_Well, that’s where I belong, and you belong with me. Not swallowed in the sea._

_***_

Shoma takes the first train after school and gets to the field above the shore quickly after. But as soon as he sees the sea, he stops. He’s missed Yuzuru, but he doesn’t know what the right thing to do is. Should he just go there as if nothing happened? Should he approach Yuzuru or does Yuzuru not want to see him again? Should he apologise?

Shoma presses the pearl that’s on the now-repaired string close to his chest.

He should apologise.

When he gets to the three kings, the shore is empty except for the tree trunk. The sea looks stormy and half of the shore is swallowed by the waves. The wind is strong enough to blow him away and Shoma needs to close his eyes to fight against its harshness.

“I’m sorry!!!” he screams against the howling winds. “I’m so sorry! I know you only meant well!!!”

No answer. But Shoma doesn’t give up. He screams it over and over again, hoping that someone will hear. He screams until he can’t anymore, until his throat hurts.

The clouds above him turn from white to grey and water starts pouring down from them. The raindrops are so cold, and the wind makes them hit Shoma’s face. It hurts but Shoma doesn’t move, not one inch. He stays rooted to the spot, staring into the sea.

Until he sees them. Right on the horizon. He thinks it’s the waves at first but no. They’re moving, swimming towards him. Shoma runs straight into the water. The waves hit him and topple him over, and for a moment he can’t see anything. But he gets up again and runs against the waves towards the mermaid.

He collides with Yuzuru, wrapping his arms around their neck and just squeezing them tight.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving. I’m so sorry,” he keeps repeating.

Yuzuru takes his head between his hands. “What are you doing here? It’s dangerous to be here right now. The waves are too strong.”

“I don’t care. I don’t care.” Shoma presses his lips against Yuzuru’s, kissing them hard.

He leans back and looks into Yuzuru’s eyes. They’re hesitant just like the last time he saw them. Shoma tries to catch his breath. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“I… How do you know?”

“The way you talked about missing your family, about how lonely you are. It was obvious. You were trying to protect me by saying that I shouldn’t spend as much time with you because you would leave soon.”

Yuzuru pulls him closer, hiding their face in Shoma’s hair.

“I’m so sorry. The current is strong today and has the right direction. I… I need to try.”

It’s so painful to see Yuzuru like this, torn between two things. Between Shoma and their family, not knowing what the right decision is. And Shoma doesn’t want to hold them back. He’s just glad that he is able to swallow his pride and to say his goodbye.

Yuzuru was right. This isn’t a fairytale.

Shoma shakes his head. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t apologise. I understand.”

He touches Yuzuru’s hands that are resting around his neck. “Can you promise me something?”

Yuzuru nods.

Shoma takes the pearl from around his neck and puts it around Yuzuru’s.

“Keep it safe for me, okay?” Shoma asks with tears in his eyes.

“Shoma…”

And Shoma knows that this is different. Shoma knows that this isn’t a stupid pebble that can be replaced by thousand others lying on the shore. He won’t come here tomorrow and Yuzuru won’t be waiting for him with the pearl in their hand. He might not see the pearl ever again. He might not see Yuzuru ever again.

They’re both standing in the raging waves, hugging each other. Their faces stained by the sea, the rain and their own tears.

“Can you promise me something too?” Yuzuru asks suddenly, their forehead against Shoma’s, both their noses touching.

Shoma nods. “Yes. Anything.”

“Reach out to him. Do it for me. You don’t deserve to be alone, Shoma.”

“I’ll try. For you and for myself.

Their lips touch again, crashing into each other like the waves around them, but Shoma knows that they don’t have much time left. Yuzuru knows it too. The wind is slowing down and if Yuzuru doesn’t head out now, it will be too late.

Shoma reluctantly separates them, smiling sadly. “Go! Go back to your family. Go back where you belong.”

He touches the big green scale for the last time.

“You know where I belong, right?” Yuzuru says, mirroring the placement of Shoma’s hand on their chest. “You’re in mine too.”

Shoma pushes against Yuzuru’s chest because he can’t take it anymore.

“Go. Please, go.”

Yuzuru kisses Shoma’s forehead for the last time and then disappears in the waves.

The last thing Shoma sees is a blue rose woven into their hair.

_***_

_You’ll go backwards, but then you’ll go forwards again._

_***_

Finding the current again isn’t hard. Deciding whether to be trapped by it and taken hundreds of miles away is trying. Yuzuru keeps looking back even though they’re deep down in the ocean and the only thing they can see is dark blue. There is nothing more. Everything else is either too scared to approach the current or has already been swallowed by it.

Yuzuru looks at their chest and presses their eyes closed. They dive into the current.

There is something liberating about not being able to do anything at all. About the water doing whatever it wants with you. Throwing you from left to right before spitting you out in a completely different place than the one you came from. Or maybe in a place that is the one you had come from.

Yuzuru knows they’re back before they even open their eyes. The water feels different against their skin. Humans would probably liken it to the smell of home. Yuzuru can’t smell anything this deep down but they can feel the change. Their gills open up just a little bit more, their tail swishes with more fervour, their heart skips a beat.

Yuzuru opens their eyes and knows. They are home.

The mermaid lets the water guide them and just swims. It doesn’t take them long to see the enormous reef before them that would drive away anyone else but Yuzuru just swims faster towards it.

They hesitate when they reach it though. They hesitate again when they notice the three mermaids nearby. Yuzuru’s gills flare before they close.

The smallest mermaid turns around first, their eyes widening at the sight of Yuzuru, and they quickly swim up to him, enveloping him in a hug.

Yuzuru touches the small scales at the mermaid’s neck and the mermaid does the same before they hug again, squeezing each other tightly.

When they separate, Yuzuru is met with the look from the other two mermaids who have swum closer to them.

Yuzuru bows their head, ready to be scolded again. But no scolding comes. The mermaid feels two pairs of hands touch the scales that are on their neck and looks up in relief.

Yuzuru reaches out with their own hand and reciprocates the gesture. The mermaid bows their head once more just to show how sorry they are for everything that happened. The big mermaid lightly hits Yuzuru’s tail with theirs and shakes their head, and Yuzuru knows that they’re forgiven.

Mermaids aren’t very sociable creatures. They live together because it’s convenient for them, not necessarily because they want to. Yuzuru always envied people for all their friendships and romantic relationships. The mermaid always seemed different to the rest of the flock. Yuzuru likes to call the other mermaids their family but that is just because it sounds like it means something. The others care for the mermaid but only because Yuzuru is one of their own, not because it is Yuzuru.

Yuzuru isn’t surprised when the two bigger mermaids swim away quickly after seeing them again, leaving Yuzuru with the smaller mermaid that they used to spend all their time with.

The mermaid touches Yuzuru’s small scales again and Yuzuru smiles. They’ve missed them too.

They swim together for a while. Yuzuru looks around their home but doesn’t find anything that has changed since the last time they were here. It’s still quiet and forlorn.

Yuzuru lightens up when they see the small stone city in front of them. The other mermaid must’ve been taking care of it in Yuzuru’s absence, making sure that the stronger currents don’t destroy it.

The mermaid grabs Yuzuru by the hand and drags them towards it, showing them all their work.

Yuzuru smiles and nods. They swim around the small city, looking at all the things that have changed, like the anemones that are on one side. Yuzuru wonders what they’re supposed to represent because they’re sure human cities don’t have anything similar in theirs, but they don’t tell the other mermaid anything. This wasn’t a human city. This was their own underwater city.

Yuzuru kneels next to the pillow made of seaweed and lifts it up, waiting for the citizen to be there. The place is empty though. There is no fish swimming out of it.

Yuzuru looks at the mermaid and they just shrug sadly.

The little fish isn’t there. Yuzuru doesn’t know what they expected. It didn’t use to spend all its time in the seaweed anyway. Maybe it’s just swimming somewhere nearby.

Yuzuru blinks at the mermaid but they shake their head.

So, the fish is really gone.

***

Yuzuru stays close to the stone city after that. They sleep there for days and shuffle the stones, creating new houses and buildings but the city remains empty.

Yuzuru wonders if Shoma would like it. If this city looks like the one he lives in. Or if he’d tell Yuzuru that human cities don’t look like that at all and laugh at them.

No, Shoma wouldn’t laugh. Shoma isn’t cruel.

Yuzuru looks down at the pearl hanging around their neck when something hits the side of their face. The mermaid turns their head but sees nothing. Then it hits them again, on the other side. Yuzuru turns their head quickly but again, nothing.

Yuzuru sighs and then yelps.

There’s a yellow fish right in front of them, staring the mermaid up and down. Yuzuru has never been judged by a fish but they think this is what’s happening right now.

The mermaid offers their palm, but the fish turns around and swims away.

And then hits Yuzuru in the face again.

_I know, I know… I’m sorry for leaving._

The yellow fish swims closer to Yuzuru and tickles their neck with its fin. The fin gets stuck in the string around Yuzuru’s neck and the mermaid has to help the fish out of it.

The fish swims around Yuzuru’s head, studying them. It swims closer to the pearl and starts playing with it, throwing it up and down with its fins. When it gets high enough that it almost falls off Yuzuru’s neck, the mermaid quickly snatches it.

The fish stops and looks at them, slowing down all its movements.

Yuzuru blinks.

The fish doesn’t blink as it can’t.

Suddenly, it starts swimming rapidly in front of Yuzuru, changing directions and moving in intricate patterns that Yuzuru can’t follow. It hits the pearl again and swims in a circle for a while before it shoots up and then down and then starts flapping its fins.

And Yuzuru finally understands and nods.

The fish taps the pearl again and then taps the blue rose in Yuzuru’s hair.

And Yuzuru nods again.

The fish starts swimming in circles again at such high speed that Yuzuru has to stop it, so its head doesn’t start spinning. The mermaid catches the excited fish and lets it lie on their palm. It’s still thrilled, rolling over and tickling Yuzuru while doing it.

Yuzuru wants to tell someone about this. They want to tell someone about Shoma, but nobody would care. The other mermaids don’t care for humans and Yuzuru knows it. They would be appalled were they to know that Yuzuru spent their time with one, talked with one… and fell in love with one.

The fish stops moving when it senses the change in Yuzuru’s mood. Yuzuru puts it down on the seaweed bed and decides to head out to the shore to clear their head. They miss breathing above the surface, they miss the crashing of the waves that can’t be heard this deep down, and they miss the people.

Yuzuru misses Shoma.

The mermaid takes a deep breath when they get to the pier that they would always hide behind. The air is warm. The summer has just started and even though it’s already dark outside, there are kids playing on the beach. Their laughter makes Yuzuru’s heart clench and the mermaid wishes they could laugh with them.

Maybe they could find someone like Shoma here. It’s true that the shore is more filled with people but that is good. That means Yuzuru has enough people to choose from. They could befriend those kids. Kids are harmless.

Yuzuru swims out from behind the pier and closer to the kids. They hit the water with their tail, creating a huge splash.

“Look, daddy, a mermaid!” one of the children says in wonder.

Yuzuru wants to swim even closer, but, out of the blue, there is a handful of stones thrown at them and the mermaid just barely dodges them before they disappear in the waves again.

This was a bad idea.

Yuzuru still visits the pier after that, hoping that they will find someone to talk to, someone who will understand, but there isn’t anyone.

They start spending more and more of their time with the fish but even the fish can tell that something is wrong. Whenever it touches the pearl, it doesn’t get excited anymore. It just nuzzles Yuzuru’s face in comfort.

Yuzuru misses Shoma.

Shoma told them to go back to their family, but Yuzuru has no family, only some mermaids who sometimes swim by and a small yellow fish that knows Yuzuru is miserable. Shoma told them to go where they belong but Yuzuru didn’t belong here and they knew it even before leaving. Shoma told them to go but he didn’t want them to go at all.

Yuzuru misses Shoma and when the current changes again, they know what they need to do.

_***_

_For you, I’ve waited all these years._

_***_

It’s a sunny day. The last hot day of this summer. There are two boys on the shore playing with sticks. They’re balancing on an old tree trunk, jabbing each other and trying to see who falls down first. Their laughter can be heard from far away.

“OUCH!” Sota yells, grabbing Shoma’s stick with his hand and dragging him down as well, both of them ending up on a pile.

“This is cheating!” Shoma cries and rolls over.

“There is no referee!” Sota starts laughing.

The waves are caressing their feet, the coldness a pleasant sensation.

Shoma turns on his side, smiling at Sota. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Sota smiles back. “I’m glad to be here and I’m glad to be here with you.”

He picks up the stick again and jabs Shoma’s side with it. “Our secret place, remember?”

Shoma giggles, avoiding Sota’s attacks. “Always.”

Sota suddenly gets up and runs to grab as many pebbles as he can.

“Today’s the day you will be defeated,” he yells while throwing the stones at the three kings like a maniac.

Shoma can’t get up because he’s laughing so much. His belly and cheeks hurt, and he realises that he’s finally happy again.

“You are a madman!” he screams at his friend.

“I am a warrior! I am the one who will de- “

Sota’s voice ceases and his arm is left hanging mid-air.

Shoma frowns, finally getting up. He follows Sota’s line of sight and widens his eyes when he sees it too.

Blue and green.

 

_***_

  
_There’s a tale about a creature living off the Pacific coast near Japan. It talks about a creature that would appear in the waters close to the city of Nagoya or sit at the shore. A creature so beautiful that if someone were to look at it, they would be entranced by its beauty and lose their mind forever. There are those who say that they’ve seen the creature, something resembling a mermaid disappearing in the waves. Every day, someone would tell a story about how they saw a black tail with smudges of blue and green splashing in the waters. Some believe the tale, some do not. One thing is certain: the creature is not lost anymore. There’s a boy sitting with it._  
  
_And the boy has found himself too._  
  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, please leave comments or kudos. Or you can go and talk to me about fic or anything else on my social media.  
> Figure skating twitter: damnquads  
> Figure skating tumblr: quadamn  
> Fanfic twitter: damnquadsfic


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